Interestingly,
and gratefully, my children are helping me slay my prejudices. Let me begin by saying I am a liberal,
open-minded person who prides myself on being progressive and accepting of
alternate beliefs. But I met my match
when it came to discussions about dress codes.
You see, I identify with the ‘old-timers’ who want to regulate the
garments that students wear to school. I
feel compelled to agree that revealing clothing is inappropriate in the school
setting.
But my kids (mainly my son) have made
the effort to explain an alternate viewpoint to me. That maybe, just maybe, the
whole ‘modesty’ ideal is simply based on shame. Maybe the idea that what a
woman (or girl) wears has NO bearing on ANYTHING other than being a vehicle of
self-expression, or as a way to be comfortable, or as a reflection of who they
see themselves to be. My kids have endeavored
to show me that the clothing a woman chooses, no matter how skimpy or small, is
NOT an excuse for inappropriate behavior.
Moreover, it is very possible that by holding girls to different dress
codes than boys, that we are perpetuating gender inequality and fueling the prejudice
against women.
Admittedly, it has been hard for me
to totally accept this idea. But the
more I read, and the more I discuss it with my children and other young people,
I’ve begun to understand their perspective.
I’ve begun to understand that my fears – that society’s fears – fuel the
sexism behind dress codes and perpetuate a culture that objectifies women. Perhaps every time we suggest that a female is
dressing provocatively we are actually supporting and growing a culture of
victim blaming.
As a very young person (maybe eight?),
I had an awful experience swimming at a lake.
My baby-sitter had taken my brother and me to go swimming at a resort –
such a treat for children growing up in raining Washington State! While the
baby-sitter stayed with my brother, I went in to the girls’ bathroom to change
into my swimming suit – which happened to be a bikini. Now, I have no recollection of buying the swim
suit, or if I wanted a two-piece as opposed to a one-piece. Honestly, I lived in WA state….I didn’t do a
lot of swimming. For all I know, it was a hand-me-down.
After donning my suit, as I walked
to meet my baby-sitter and brother, two older boys (maybe 14-15?) blocked my
path, stopping me. Leering, one of the boys said, “I’ll give you 5 bucks for a
f*ck”. Um, I didn’t even know what he
meant. I was eight! But what I DID know
is he creeped me out and I felt deeply ashamed. I immediately felt like I had done something
wrong.
Of course, the reality of the
situation is that the boy was crass, inappropriate, and abusive to a young girl.
But at eight, with no adult to tell me
otherwise, I blamed myself. In fact, I was too ashamed to tell anyone what had
happened. Then I carried that experience with me, believing I needed to protect
myself. Believing my clothing choices could control the inappropriate actions
of the people around me. Looking back I
understand the situation much differently. Yet, even now, I still cling to the
belief that modest dress is a protection.
That’s the problem. Why are we expecting women to protect
themselves from men? Why are we still insisting that women are somehow culpable
for inappropriate sexual comments or advances? Why are we still insinuating
that if only she dressed like ‘a nice girl’ this wouldn’t have happened? Why
are we holding female students to different standards than male students? Why are we not addressing the REAL problem –
the fact that as a society, as a culture, we still undervalue, we still
undermine, we still blame women.
Europe as a whole has a much more
relaxed view on sexuality and dress. Nudity is far more accepted, as are ‘diminished’
clothing choices. The antiquated ideas in
the USA about appropriate dress have not improved our country’s incidence of
rape. Researchers found that an average of 7.5 percent of women worldwide
REPORT sexual assault in their lifetimes. In the USA that figure is higher: 13% (http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2014/02/12/1-in-14-women-worldwide-has-been-sexually-assaulted-study).
Clearly, covering up doesn’t stave off
criminal behavior.
The other aspect to this discussion
revolves around sexual power. We
continually throw out the images of women as sexually powerful; scantily clad and
dominating – on the stage, on the screen, in the tabloids. We are fed this imagery at an early age, from
cartoons, in children’s programming (http://www.alternet.org/speakeasy/2010/10/11/kids-films-full-of-misogyny-scantily-clad-female-characters),
movies, and more. If as a society we are
continually canonizing women as beautiful, powerful, sexual creatures, how can
we possibly also blame them for having those qualities? What damage are we doing to our young people
by sending these mixed messages?
I still dress modestly myself and I
still cringe at some of the clothing choices my 20 year old daughter
makes. I admit to passing judgment on
many of the outfits I see girls wearing at my children’s school. But I’m
working on it. I’m working on shifting
my perception from judgment based on shame and blame. I’m working on seeing what the younger
generation is much more adept at seeing: that men and women, girls and boys,
are equally powerful and culpable, and that no amount of undress justifies
inappropriate behavior. That we all have bodies…believe it or not, they are
all mostly the same. Girl parts are girl parts, and boy parts are boy
parts. Ho hum. Let’s move on.
